How to be an asshole (user’s guide)
I recently posted a series of intricately-drawn cartoons displaying how people can be assholes. Previously, I detailed the many ways that my father can himself be an annoying asshole. That continued this morning when he called me and we had the following exchange:
Dad: Your drawings don’t make any sense.
Dad: All of them. But if you explain them to me, I’ll tell you specifically which ones I didn’t understand.
Me: OK. The first was about traffic.
Dad: Yup. Didn’t make sense.
Me: The second was about the elevator.
Dad: That definitely didn’t make sense.
Me: The third was about a hypothetical seven time Tour de France champion who allegedly used performance enhancing drugs.
Dad: Maybe I should go back and look at these again.
So, in case others have had difficulty unleashing the meaning of my (albeit complex) drawings, please find below a user’s guide for each of the posts:
In this drawing, I have depicted a vehicle (pictured in red) driving along the thruway. Approaching exit 12 (depicted as “Exit 12”), the red vehicle sees a line of traffic arranged in a linear fashion. Surmising that the other cars are also trying to get off the thruway, the red vehicle bypasses them and cuts to the head of the line. This maneuver shortens the time period that the red vehicle has to wait to exit the thruway. It also lengthens the period of time that other vehicles have to wait. The red vehicle has violated clearly established rules of the road. Accordingly, I have dubbed the driver of the red vehicle as an “asshole.” Not surprisingly, my dad only exits the thruway in this manner.
In this drawing, I have depicted two individuals standing in the lobby of an office building. In order to differentiate the people, I drew one of them in black and the other in green. If I have offended any green people, I apologize. The drawing is obviously not an actual depiction of a green person and any similarities to greenies were unintentional.
In the first frame of the drawing, the black stick figure approaches the elevator (defined by the textual word “elevator”) and presses the top of the two buttons. I assumed incorrectly that a reader would understand that pressing the top button signals to the elevator that a human being awaits in the lobby and would like to ride the elevator to his next destination on a higher floor.
In the second frame, the green stick figure (who based on his being green is lazy, untrustworthy, unintelligent, and homophobic) has moved to the position closest to the elevator button. At the top of the frame, I wrote “seconds later” to indicate that this action was taking place just seconds after the first frame had ended. Seeing that the top button is lit up red (as indicated by it now being drawn in red), which in elevator parlance means that someone has already activated the button, the green figure presses the button again.
This is an assholish move (as depicted by the word asshole and the red arrow pointed at the green fellow), because the green figure is declaring with his action that the black stick figure’s pressing of the button was inadequate.
After speaking with my dad, the confusion from this drawing came from the descriptive word “elevator.” He calls them vertical people hoisters.
Part 3 depicts an athletic gentleman drinking EPO out of a water bottle and wearing a shirt that says “live strong.” He is standing next to a bicycle. I forgot to label the bicycle by writing the word “bicycle” on the drawing. Also, I forgot to draw spokes, a water bottle holder, a gear-shifter, hand brakes, a helmet, a peleton, a USPS themed sponsorship, or a federal investigation of any characters depicted in the image. Aside from that, this picture should be self-explanatory.
Part 4 depicts a classroom on Friday at 5 pm. I do concede that this post was confusing. As one commenter noted, classes do not typically end at 5 pm. Regardless, what I wanted to show in this picture was that on Friday at 5pm (as indicated by the underlined word “FRIDAY” in the top left corner and the clock (unlabeled) showing the time as 5:00) a teacher was finishing up his lecture. The teacher is the individual that is 2x the size of the pupils sitting in the classroom section.
A caption above the teacher’s head reads, “So, unless there are any questions, that’s all for today’s class.” This is not a direct quote from any class my dad attended or gave during his many years as a teacher. In fact, I made it up. It was a hypothetical statement that a hypothetical stick figure may make to a class made up of stick figure students. One of whom has a gigantic red hand and somewhere between 3 and 9 fingers. The other students have no legs, one arm, no faces, no hair, no book bags, no trapper keepers, no feet, no brains, and no will to live.
In response to the teacher’s statement (quoted above), the student in the first row lifts his/her hand to ask a question. EVERYONE in the world wants to go home at this point and no question is welcomed. A red line from the word “asshole” to the student seated in the front row labels this student as an “asshole.”
Part 5 depicts a row of treadmills (labeled by the word “tread-mill”) in the top left corner. My dad’s fat ass has probably never seen a row of treadmills before.
At the top of the row of treadmills is an athlete (depicted by excellent running form, Boston Marathon wicking shirt, Brooks Ghost 3 sneakers, Camelbak water bottle, and Gu Chomps. Next to this athlete is a row of unoccupied treadmills.
At the bottom of the screen is a stick figure in a headband. In order to show the stick figure’s intended path, I drew a dotted line from the stick figure to the treadmill adjacent to the athlete. I wanted to indicate that, given all of the free treadmills that were not adjacent to the athlete, the stick figure was being an asshole by not respecting the athlete’s space. Everyone in the world wants a one treadmill buffer zone. In fact, I’ll go as far to say that anytime someone is doing something and you wish to do the same thing, choose the option with at least a one space buffer. (For example, movie theater seats, urinals, trains, communal dining spaces).
My dad said he understood this one, so I guess it does not require any explanation.
Part 7 is an unpublished work in progress, but here is a sketch of what you might see in the future depicting ways to be an asshole: