Here are all the pictures, but it’s a lot funnier to read the whole thing:
The 9 Rules Every Yoga Teacher Should Follow
Nine simple things that every yoga teacher can do to make class a little bit more awesome.
Rule 1: Pay Attention to me!
Most yoga teachers really like yoga and also happen to be very good at it. These traits, however, do not mean that I’m taking your class to watch you be awesome. If that’s what I was seeking, I’d flip on your youtube channel. Please don’t forget the real, live, disgustingly sweaty people right there behind you. So, goddamnit, pay attention to us!
The best teachers strike a balance between showing off their mad skills and watching students struggle to get the little things right. They use their strength and ability to demonstrate or highlight certain aspects of a pose rather than to show off a one-handed side crow headstand that they’ve been working on in their Super-level 8 goddess class.
If I leave class thinking, “Wow, that teacher was sooo good at yoga,” then something went horribly wrong. I should walk by the treadmills on my way out of the gym thinking, “Wow, I am freaking awesome at yoga. Suck it, runners!”
Rule 2: Introduce yourself to your students:
Loyal readers of mine will remember that I’m working on introducing myself. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t introduce yourself to me first.
All it takes is a one second conversation in which the teacher comes over and says, “Hey, I’m [insert hippie name]. Have you done yoga before? Any questions? Namaste, bro.” Boom - Instant openness and camaraderie.
However, since we’re preaching mindfulness here, just remember to be mindful of your junk:
3. Ignore Anything You Weren’t Supposed to See.
Look, things happen in yoga classes. Like the time I saw the entire left ball of the guy practicing next to me. Or how every time I jump from a standing fold into a push up, my shirt flies up a little bit, exposing the lower portion of my back (aka the upper portion of my ass). Look, I realize that the teacher is going to see everything that’s going on down there. Maybe he or she will even give it a once or twice over to size me up. Totally cool. There’s just no need to draw attention to the fact that I’ve got a little hair down there. Or that my love handles make twisting poses slightly more difficult.
How about we just agree to keep a few things between us?
In other words, maybe the moment my naked back and partially naked ass are exposed is not the best time for you to do that adjustment. You know the one. It’s when you grab my hips and pull them back or rest your hand on the sweaty small of my back and push with all your might. Yeah, save that for my first down dog. Just before the sweating starts.
I suspect we’ll both be happy with that agreement.
4. If you’re gonna Om, Om loudly.
At first, I admittedly did not like chanting “om.” Now, I can tolerate it. Maybe sometimes it’s kind of nice. Oh whatever. You caught me. I like it. So what. This isn’t the place for judgment.
Listen up, teachers: If you’re going to start with an Om, then do so with gusto-mmmm. Trust me, the class will follow your lead. But if you are timid and mousy with your om, then guess what? Your class will be quiet and timid and self-conscious when they holla’ back.
Also — and this is admittedly quite selfish of me — I’m 100 percent tone-deaf, so if you say it loud and say it proud, then I can join in without others noticing that I am the discordant MF’er ruining spiritual bliss.
5. Remember my name and use it.
We’ve already agreed that introductions are key. Well, that’s the easy part. The hard part is remembering those names and then using them throughout class. A deftly timed “Nice job, Bikram,” or “Sweet crow, Baba,” or “Pull your hips back, Tara” really pulls those people into the class.
But surprisingly, even when the teacher refers to someone else by name, I find that I try harder.
I’m all, “I want that too.” ”Hey look at me!” ”Don’t you think my crow is good?” ”I’m trying so hard over here, you guys!”
Even a “whoa, looking a little sweaty, Rob” wins me over. Or, if you want to ignore rule 3, I’ll even take an “I can see a little bit of your ass crack, Rob. Pull up your pants, you disgusting slob.”
6. Go easy on the Rumi, okay?
Oh wow, you studied at an Ashram in India! And then you memorized all of Rumi’s quotes? You don’t say! That’s amazing!!! Sincerely.
But you know who doesn’t even know what an Ashram is? Guess who never took English 101 in college and doesn’t understand “quotes”? Oh yeah, that’s right! This guy.
That doesn’t mean you have to give up on Rumi altogether. What it means is that you should feel free to explain things to me. Even the stuff that seem painfully obvious. Because when you say a quote and then say, “well that speaks for itself,” what I’m thinking is “No. That doesn’t speak for itself. I hate this stupid class. I don’t get it. Wah wah wah poor me.”
While I’m thinking that, I’m sitting there nodding my head pretending to look like I have the slightest clue what you’re saying. Then I start thinking, “Damn, I bet she smoked a tonnnnn of a pot in college. That’s so hot.”
7. Come On, Speak English.
For the first three months I practiced yoga, I mistakenly thought every Sanskrit word meant Savasana. For any non-yoga people reading this, Savasana is a made up word that literally translates to “lie on the floor while thinking about everything you were supposed to do today but didn’t.”
Yoga teachers of America, you know how to fix that problem? Just speak English. We all understand English (except the Latvian woman who sometimes comes to that Vinyasa flow class on Wednesdays), so everyone will be on the same page when you say “Do crow.”
An added benefit: You may avoid that tattoo in Sanskrit. The one you think means, “Peaceful Warrior” but actually means, “judgmental douchebag” Oops!
8. Be Considerate of Your Diverse Class When Giving Instructions.
So what if your class is usually all hot limber women? I’m here now, and I’d like to feel welcome, too! In order to make everyone feel at home, yoga teachers should give instructions that are mindful of the entirety of the class, not its largest component.
So no more “put this block under your bra strap,” or “you should feel a good stretch in your vagina.”
9. Make Class Fun!
This goes without saying, but if I’m having fun, I’m not thinking about how much I hate the teacher for all of the horrible painful things she’s making me do. So make it fun.
How Yoga Cured My Anxiety, Laziness, and Intense Cynicism
(Here’s my latest for Elephant Journal: I’ll add the link when they publish it so you can be like, whoa this is awesome, I should click this link)
Three small ways Yoga helped me set attainable new year’s resolutions.
Before we get started, there are three things you should probably know:
- My name is Rob (it’s nice to meet you);
- Elephant Journal recently asked me to be a recurring contributor (I said yes); and
- Today is January 11th (which, if you’re scoring at home, is a little late for a blog post about New Year’s resolutions).
Why do I care that you know three tidbits of information that on their face are completely uninteresting and mind-numbingly boring?
Because these three little statements represent a whole lot more. They represent a way for me to bring you inside this insane little head of mine. Only then can you start to understand how a few simple new year’s resolutions will help make 2013 epic, and how my new sense of yogic calm will provide me with tools to stick with them.
Resolutions used to be those stupid deals I made with myself at the beginning of the year but forgot by – oh, I don’t know – January 10th. But this year, when I say I’m bringing a yogic calm to my resolutions, what I mean is that I plan to do things that are meaningful to me, but also attainable. It means stepping out of my comfort zone but not so far that my goals become derailed by those inevitable little slip ups.
To start the year on the right foot, I’m throwing my old resolutions out the window.
Good bye, “lose 100 pounds.”
See ya later, “eat healthy.”
Suck it, “read the newspaper every day.”
Rot in hell “quit watching reruns of The Biggest Loser while binging on a scoop bowl pint gallon of Haagen Dazs” (Note – I didn’t even have to look up the spelling of that. Terrifying!).
This year, My resolutions all help make me a little more pleasant to be around. You’re welcome world!
Here are three of the goals that I’ve set and how I hope to meet them.
RESOLUTION 1: INTRODUCE MYSELF MORE.
I sometimes describe myself as an outgoing introvert. When I feel comfortable in an environment, I don’t shut up. I’ll annoy you until you hate me. Kind of like I’m doing right now. Then, I’ll try so hard to win you over that eventually you’ll come around and start rooting for me. I’m Like the kid from the movie Rudy — except without determination, athletic ability, or an overly jowl-y smile. My mixed level of confidence was apparent from a very young age:
But the truth is that despite that outgoing bravado, on the inside I am anxious and meek when confronted with a new group of people. I hope and pray that someone else will step up and take that first step of introduction.
Practicing yoga helped me realize this trait. When I first went to classes, I’d huddle in the back of the room, timidly balled up in the corner. There, I’d hope that the teachers would introduce themselves to me and relieve my nervousness. With my big ol’ belly, a cotton shirt, and a puddle of sweat at my feet, I felt like an outsider to the Lululemon catalogue occupying the other mats in the room.
But that’s a pretty bad way of living Who wants to talk to a timid sweatball? Exactly!
So I resolved to get better at introductions. You can’t introduce yourself to someone if you’re shy or timid. It might mean faking it, or playing out the conversation 1400 times in my head before it happens, but chances are, other people hate introductions too. By stepping up and taking initiative, I can not only make my life better, but I can also relive the anxiety and lameness of others.
RESOLUTION 2: SAY YES TO MORE THINGS.
A few ways I have been described:
- a hater
- Mr. negative
- Mr. negativity
- Senor Negativo
- super lame
- an a$$hole
- a glass half empty kind of guy
- a glass totally empty kind of guy
- a glassless guy
- A fun-hater
- a mega-fun-hater
If you haven’t figured it out by now, sometimes I have a bad attitude:
Well that’s all about to change! It’s time to get over those fun-hating, lazy, anxious ways. The anticipation of doing things is often worse than the actual doing of those things.
One way to get over my anxiety is to just start saying yes to more challenges and opportunities. By being more agreeable, I hope that taking possibilities into my own hands and trying to not let great opportunities slip through the cracks.
This actually reminds me of a yoga teacher who once shared an amazing inspirational quote. It was perfectly on point about this topic and completely changed my life and outlook on the world. If I remembered it, I would totally share it with you right now.
Oh! Got it:
“Every time an opportunity presents itself, take it; Otherwise, greatness will pass you by.”
- Some Famous Yoga Philospher
Okay, fine. I just made that up. But aren’t those great words to live by? I say yes.
RESOLUTION 3: COMMIT TO THINGS AND THEN FINISH THEM.
[note to self - insert paragraph explaining how I want to get better at finishing things that I commit to].
Food Diary (a.k.a. I’m a Fat F*&K)
According to science, I am somewhere between -3 and 26 lbs overweight. Since no one without a phd in literature can understand the instructions for determining “frame size,” I am considering myself a medium frame. I also have miniature wrists and the smallest neck of any adult man. Perhaps my frame may even be small.
I exercise a lot. So here I am, finally admitting that the only reason I am not yet gracing the cover of men’s health magazine is related to my diet.
I hope you’re ready internet, because I’m considering keeping a running food diary on my tumblr to hold myself accountable. To see if this is even possible, here’s my recreation of everything I have eaten since 6 am on Thursday morning.
Thursday (Pretty sure this was the healthiest day)
20 oz Iced coffee (Thanks Mayor Bloomberg!)
6 oz oatmeal from Whole Foods
4 mile run on treadmill. (Sweat rating 3.5 towels)
Salad with blackened chicken, whole wheat pita, rice, avocado, cucumber, sesame ginger dressing.
Beverage - Water
Chipotle Burrito Bowl (Picture is representative, but not accurate). Brown rice, black beans, Barbacoa (no clue what this is), hot salsa, corn salsa, a little cheese. (No guac or sour cream)
Beverage - water
Entire pint of this:
Corn muffin from a food cart parked outside my apartment
Two apple sauces - single serve size, not whole jars
Workout: One hour Vinyassa Yoga (image below), Jog 1.1 miles. (Sweat Rating: 3 towels)
Whole Foods Hot bar (Total Weight 1.29 lbs). Items included: Brown rice, Chicken Curry, Four pieces of Naan, One potato Samosa, Mexican Rice
Drink - Sparkling Mandarin Water
I cooked this. I added an extra half pound of the skirt steak because two of us were eating. Then I ate approximately one pound of skirt steak.
I also ate 170 blue corn chips with guacamole.
Beverage: Mandarin Orange Seltzer
Breakfast - onion bagel with lo-fat cream cheese from Zuckers
20 oz Iced Coffee.
Chicken Selects Meal from McDonalds (5 pc) (20 oz Coke) (Medium Fries)
Leftover dinner from last night (Serving Size - Medium)
20 more chips with guac
3ish Mile Run. Outdoors. Sweated my balloons off.
And that’s where I’m at. I think that I’m eating pretty healthily, so if anyone notices any issues or has suggestions for ways that I can cut down on unnecessary calories, I would love to hear them.
Operation: Jamaican Me Healthy
March 31 will mark the amazing five-year anniversary of my marriage to Anne. So in recognition of her tremendous patience, perseverance, tolerance, patience, devotion, sense of humor, patience, and ability to see the potential in others, we will be taking a celebratory trip to Jamaica.
To commemorate this momentous occasion, I’ve decided to do something extra special for Anne. That’s right, I intend to remove my shirt in public for the first time since forced to pass a mandatory swim test on my first day of college. Because I work best when instructed to follow an explicit set of rules, I enacted Operation: Jamaican Me Healthy, a ten-step plan designed to help me and others achieve the perfect beach bod.
Operation: Jamaican Me Healthy (patent pending)
Step 1: Take a photo of yourself and identify any potential areas for improvement:
Step 2: Reduce the number of meals eaten at shake shack from 5 to 3 per week.
Step 3: Increase the amount of exercise from none times per week to at least 6 times per day.
Step 4: Think of as many “Jamaican me” jokes as you can. Use them at least once per conversation. Pray that despite step 4 you still make it to that elusive five year anniversary.
Step 5: If you see, smell, hear, touch, bathe in, or otherwise come into contact with ice cream, repeat step 4.
Step 6: No alcohol except for Red Stripe and rum punch.
Step 7: Watch The Biggest Loser and Cool Runnings every week.
Step 8: At the end of each day, stand shirtless in front of the bathroom mirror and flex your muscles. If
Anne anyone knocks on the door and asks “what are you doing in there? Everything ok” respond with, “Sorry. That healthy dinner I had tonight must have ja-made my stomach upset.” Then remind yourself that “jamaican me” jokes don’t work as well in the past tense, flex three more times, flush the toilet to complete the story you were selling, and get a good night’s sleep.
Step 9: If the first eight steps are not jamaican you as ripped as you hoped to be, seek extensive lipo or other forms of plastic surgery.
Step 10: Remove your shirt, retake your photo, and witness your amazing transformation from step 1:
I discovered a HUGE glitch with Fitocracy:
In case you can’t read it, the work out says “eat ice cream” and the activity list says, “no activity found.”