Trivial pursuit from 1962 is not that fun for me.
So no one stepped up to help me do my creativity class project (thanks, dicks). So I made this…
A transcript of every interview on TV right now
- Studio Anchor: It's getting bad out there folks. For an eyewitness account, let's head out to our roving reporter live from the boardwalk.
- Field Reporter: I'm coming to you live from INSIDE THE OCEAN. The wind is literally blowing my eyes out of my skull. I can't see you. Please go home.
- Studio Anchor: Looks bad out there. We're hearing that some people are ignoring the calls to leave town. Is that true?
- Field Reporter: It is true. I'm joined by [Insert name of local moron] who decided to stay. Sir, tell us why you would be so stupid as to stand out here in the rain and wind?
- Roving Idiot: I've braved the conditions before. I want to protect my home.
- Field Reporter: Don't you know how dangerous it is out here? The mayor just said that if you don't leave, you're doing so at your own peril.
- Roving Idiot: I stayed during Hurricane Irene.
- Field Reporter: And they're telling us that they can't physically force people to leave town, but folks, please heed these warnings. It's getting bad here.
- Roving Idiot: Be safe everyone.
- Field Reporter: Thank you! Everyone please be safe and if at all possible, head to dry land. It's almost certain death if you stay here. Back to you in the studio. This is [FIELD REPORTER] reporting from the eye of the storm. I'll be back here live all day despite my warnings that if you do the same thing it's at your peril and you will die and there is literally no way that an emergency vehicle can get here to save you.
- Studio Anchor: Thanks, Bob. Stay safe out there.
New York’s Reaction to Hurricane Irene.
New York’s Reaction to Hurricane Irene.
Hurricane Survival Tips
- Load your cooler with ice so that you can move perishables (i.e., beer) to the cooler when the refrigerator power goes out.
- Turn down the brightness on your phone so you can play Angry Birds when 3G/Wifi goes out.
- Set the candles and poker chips up before the power goes out, so gambling can begin without delay.
- Watch a marathon of Louie. That’s not totally related to the hurricane, but if you’re not watching the show, I basically hate you.
- Get your rain gear on, head outside, and pretend to be a Weather Channel correspondent while someone video tapes you. At the very least, you will be a youtube celebrity if you die.
The Devastation of Hurricane Irene
We are back from bowling. Other than Anne’s epic performance, the event was a great diversion from the devastation of Hurricane Irene. Also, I suffered the most painful injury of my lifetime. After the thirtieth straight roll where my ball found the heart of the pocket and did not result in a strike, I fell to the ground in mock agony. As I flopped around the floor to express my frustration with bowling, I either broke every one of my ribs or severely pulled a muscle. I now feel like my abdomen has winds gusting upwards of 110 miles an hour and I am in class 4 pain.
Thankfully, we are now back at the safe house and Anne’s parents spent the afternoon preparing typical hurricane snacks:
- pigs in a blanket
- meatball sliders
- an apple pie
- a vegetable quiche
- cheese and crackers
If this searing pain in my side does not go away, at least I’ll be in a food coma for the rest of the night.
Also, I bowled four games: 127; 144; 152; 72 (post injury.)
Questions about the Hurricane:
What percentage of people in New York City have absolutely no idea that this is about to happen?
If I go bowling now, how many frames can we roll before getting home gets dicey?
Should the slip and slide go in the front or back yard?
For the areas that have already been hit and lost power, is 3G still in tact?
Shouldn’t one TV station buck the trend and run an awesome marathon of some show? No one’s going to win the day with the same generic hurricane coverage, but I bet Fox would kill if they aired a commercial-free Arrested Development marathon until the power went out.
Why doesn’t anyone else in this house seem to understand the urgency of bowling?
Some bad early signs about hurricane Irene:
I’m already really bored.
We may be out of cookies (my fault).
People seem to be catching on that I have monopolized all the power outlets to ensure maximum charges of my devices when the power goes down.
I said I’d be live blogging the storm, but already used my best material.